It seems that stalkers have a weird sense of time and come at you when you may be vulnerable. I have a stalker. I have a serious sick girl who hasn’t been able to give it up going on ten years now. The problem with my stalker is that I don’t know where she lives or when or how she will strike next. I can go on and on about the crazy stories, but I think that is best left alone. Let’s just say there were police involved, violence, restraining orders and verbal abuse. There were phone calls to family, friends, my wife too. You name it this person did it. What was once a very casual relationship turned into something out of every Lifetime relationship gone wrong movie except my soundtrack is much better.
I came across a page that gave helpful tips on “How to get rid of a stalker”. Some of them are completely laughable, and some of them have some merit. The main thing you need to understand about a stalker is that the person is mentally unstable. You cannot reason with a stalker. You never know their next move. You never know when and how they might strike next. The best thing you really need to do is try to fly under the radar and lead a low key existence. Seeing how I refuse to live life hiding, and I am for the most part a very public person, I have learned to say fuck it and deal with it when she pops out of nowhere every couple of years. The stuff I get bounces off me. I could care less what she might have to say about me. It is when the attacks get personal against my wife when I get a little pissed. Well, I get more than a little pissed honestly. However, not much I can do about it. I don’t play the back and forth game with crazy. I might be able to hold my own against crazy from time to time but I have learned when someone is that disturbed there is no reasoning with crazy.
“Use distance to protect yourself” If you suspect you may be being stalked, keep a significant distance between you and the suspected stalker. Note that you do not have to have proof someone is a stalker to protect yourself in this way, only a suspicion. Wearing reasonable foot wear will enable you to move away from a suspected stalker most quickly and will reduce the likelihood of tripping or falling. Try to be at least 25 yards or meters away from the suspect. Even ten feet may protect you from being abducted or attacked if that distance is maintained.
Okay… I got in the habit of wearing sneakers most of my life now. Black ones go well with dress clothing especially if your office is casual. I am not a fast person, but neither is my stalker. However a bullet is faster than any pair of shoes so my true recommendation is to wear whatever shoes you want. This is for a real stalker. Mine is real, however she likes to hide behind a phone or internet communication. She is actually the reason that I have to moderate comments on my blog here as every once in a while crazy will pop her crazy in my comment section.
Keep a record of incidents. This may include letters, phone messages, emails, “lurking”, or any contact the stalker has attempted to make. Record the date when each contact occurred, and keep this record in a safe place. If possible, make copies and give them to a trusted relative or friend, or place them in a safety deposit box. This can be used as evidence if you need to consult the police.
This is a very good call. You want proof of the crazy because I am going to be the first to tell you as a male the cops are not going to believe you. You need proof. Voicemail, emails, whatever you can dig up. The more the better. The last time I got the cops involved Westlake’s finest was kind of an asshole about it. He did not believe me and felt that perhaps I might have had an affair to bring on this attention. I deleted the voicemails. I deleted the evidence. Don’t make that mistake.
Always state romantic or social rejections clearly. Responding with vague non-commitals such as, “I’m not interested in a relationship/being friends with you at this time,” or “I’m dating someone else,” can lead a person to believe that you would date or be friends with them, if the timing were right or if they keep pressing the issue.
Okay, I call horseshit on this one. You can tell a stalker to their face I hate you, I want nothing to do with you, I wish you would burn in the fiery pits of hell and they still get the swooning cartoon hearts circling their head. No matter what you say to a stalker is not going to 100% sink in. They have an unhealthy obsession. What you say will go in one ear and out the other and it will come out sounding like wedding bells. You need to remember you are not dealing with someone with a full deck.
Warn the offender clearly. Tell the stalker in as few words as possible that they are not welcome to contact you. “Do NOT contact me again.” Do not engage in lengthy dialogue with the suspected stalker. Never respond to any of the suspected stalker’s contacts again. Your goal is to inform the stalker that their actions are harassment and warn them never to make contact with you from that point on. What you say must be credible. There may be a chance that the offender may cease and desist. Later record how and when you gave the warning along with any future incidents.
This is 100% true. The more you speak to the person the more violent the altercation can be. If you say more they can escalate to a place you don’t want to be in. You do not want to engage the person in any more contact than a simple “Leave me alone” if even that. I am at the point of zero contact. I will not engage the behavior at all. A quick delete of a Facebook comment and a block worked this time until of course she makes a new fake profile or whatever the next plan of attack is.
Ignore and do not respond to further attempted interactions. Your stalker may try to deliberately rile you by making provocative comments if he or she gets close enough to you or uses messages to do so. Any response, even a negative one only feeds into the stalker’s belief that he is ‘getting’ to you. Be strong and keep walking or refuse to press that recall button. Do not press reply. Just ignore the comments – otherwise, you are adding fuel to the fire.
100% spot on. My stalker knows that attacking me will not get a rise out of me at all. She can call me any name in the world or make up any fake stories she wants but she knows if she attacks my wife verbally that is when I might react. However, I have learned again not to feed into any communication. It might hurt my wife to read the comments but she understands none of it is true. It sucks and I hate the fact that I can’t defend my wife but if I do that just opens the dialogue and you want as little contact as possible.
Never attempt to reason with or appease a stalker. This only reinforces his/her belief that his/her tactics are working.
You cannot reason with crazy. If you try it will just make them feel you care about them still. I learned that lesson early on. I went with the “It was me. It wasn’t you” approach and it opened a can of worms of more crazy thinking there might still be a chance.
Always keep a cell phone on you, if possible. A phone that can record images and conversation is a plus.
Keep emergency numbers on your cell phone and in different parts of your residence, as well as your vehicle.
Change your contact information, including e-mail addresses and phone numbers. This will make it much harder for your stalker to leave messages for you.
Another option is to get a new phone number and email, only give it to trusted individuals, and allow your current phone and email account to record messages from your stalker. For a non violent stalker, the ability to leave messages may make them content not to attempt any real life interactions. You can use these messages as evidence, if you decide to pursue legal action. If you feel uncomfortable listening to or reading the messages, have a trusted friend or family member screen and record them.
Yeah these are all givens. It truly is a small world especially with Social Media. I have changed phone numbers, emails, blocked her from social media sites and have an alarm for the house. This isn’t to say she won’t make a fake profile up like she did today to get at me on Facebook. Nothing you can do at that point but damage control. However, yes have emergency contacts on speed dial. Girls can get a gun too. Just because you are a male don’t think you are safe. It is the worst mistake you can make.
Notify everyone about your situation and the identity of your stalker, if known. Stalkers thrive on secrecy and privacy. Notify your family, friends, neighbors and employers to not to give out your personal information, regardless of the innocuousness of the request or the identity of the questioner. Notify everyone to be cautious of any individual loitering around your neighborhood or place or employment or attempting to gain access to your workplace.
Is this extreme? Yes, very much so but better safe than sorry. Many people have known of my issues with this person in the past. However when she popped up this time I had new friends and that’s how she was able to sneak by. I don’t live in hiding. Again, I am a very public person. I like my friends and I like doing my blog stuff. However, everyone needs to know who this person is and what they are trying to do. They would like nothing more than to be able to use you in a pawn of their sicko game.
Make home safety a priority. Install more secure door locks. Make your windows and doors burglar proof. Install security lights and a security system. Put your indoor lights on a timer system. A dog (or even a ‘beware of dog sign’) is a deterrent to home invasions. Ask police to do regular check ups of your property.
Secure and protect your pet(s). Some stalkers, if they are unable to gain access to you, will target your animals. Do not leave pets outside unattended (even in a fenced in yard), and do not have pet doors. Have contact information for animal boarding homes and no-kill shelters, in case of an emergency if you are unable to take proper care of your pet(s).
Say yes to the security alarm at home. At $20 a month it adds a nice sense of protection. Pets, ah yes, who could forget Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Remember, you are dealing with a very irrational person and they will get to you in any way they can.
Avoid contact with family, friends and other associates of the stalker Unfortunately, these individuals may willingly or unknowingly provide information about you to the stalker, such as new addresses or contact information.
Cut all ties plain and simple. Lucky for me there really were no ties to cut. It was a very casual short term fling. Your friends and family could become unwilling accomplices in the stalkers game of crazy.
Be confident. This means maintaining an air of self-assurance, holding your head high and walking tall and with purpose. Stalkers are more likely to continue when they see fear reflected in your body language - so watch this carefully and keep your body reactions slow, measured and calm.
You can’t live your life in fear. Yes, it can be unsettling, and uncomfortable, but never live your life in fear. Be cautious, yes, but don’t live in fear.
Seek help. Research online or contact your local police department for references to stalking hotlines/counselors. If you are at school, go and see a teacher, a counselor or the principal immediately and explain the situation. If you are at university or college, seek assistance from campus security or a counselor. You also may wish to consider going straight to the police and reporting the incident(s) and having a report drawn up. It will at least allow you to explore your legal options and obtain some advice on how to act next.
First and foremost reach out to the police. Make them aware of the issue. My police officer as I said before was an asshole who more or less made me feel that I brought this on myself. I would venture a guess that most police are not like that. If you need to talk to someone do it. Find an outlet to vent and someone to address your concerns.
Prepare an emergency plan, that you can easily utilize in case of a break in or an attack. You must have a plan in place that allows you to protect yourself as much as possible. Have a safe place where all family members can arrange to meet in event of an emergency (the location only being known to a very trusted relative or friend). At this safe location, have needed supplies in a ‘flight kit’ (money, clothing, medication etc.), as well as emergency numbers for police, legal assistance, and abuse/stalking assistance.
Be prepared. Seriously be prepared, and don’t let anyone know outside of your immediate family any of the plans you have in place. If the stalker knows you keep the gun in the bottom dresser drawer that kind of foiled those plans.
Consider carrying pepper spray. Carry it in a proper manner and familiarize yourself with how it is used. Only consider carrying a firearm if you have proper training in their use and are in compliance with your state’s firearm laws. Keep in mind that any weapon that you carry could be used against you during an attack. This is a subject that you should discuss with law enforcement and an abuse/stalking counselor.
I guess this one is okay, but you need to know how to use these things. Don’t just buy something “to have”. Buy it and learn how to use it. Even the pepper spray. Guns? Don’t mess with guns unless (1) you know how to use it and (2) you intend on using it if you need to. You should get a conceal and carry permit obviously and hit the firing range. There are tons of instructors out there too. If you need one let me know. I would be happy to point you to my guy.
Discuss with police and abuse/stalking counselors the possibility of obtaining a temporary restraining order (TRO) or protective order. Keep in mind that a TRO or an Order or Protection is to initiate and assist the legal process — it can not physically protect you from a stalker who is inclined towards violence. You must be responsible for your safety even with a TRO or OP in place. Non violent and violent stalkers react differently to TROs and OPs, as do those stalkers who have had romantic/sexual involvement with their victims. Based on your history with the stalker and the pattern of behavior he/she has been demonstrating towards you, research TROs to decide whether it will assist you in your situation or not. An abuse/stalking counselor or victim’s advocate may better assist you in determining what the best options for your situation are.
Restraining orders are your best friend. Learn all about them and file one. If that person harasses you, comes in contact with you, calls you, bothers you or even looks in your general direction a good restraining order can mean jail time for the offender.
I know a lot of this has been semi-comical but having a stalker is not a laughing matter. Arm yourself psychically and mentally to be able to deal with the situation. Yes, it sucks, but you just can’t get through to crazy, and you are better off not dealing with it as much as possible. However it is best to be prepared for any situation. You are not dealing with “normal” behavior. Don’t try to reason with a stalker. The best bet is to ignore it completely. I am going on 10 years of this and there usually isn’t an end to the behavior. A stalker is never rehabilitated unless maybe they seek mental help. The smallest thing might set the person off into the old pattern. Don’t live in fear but always be cautious.